The Things We Do

As the sun began to rise, Elise Hartman walked out of her beautiful home the same way she did every day, daring the world to challenge her. She wore a blazer and a skirt, with heels that she knew caused butts to clench when people heard them clacking through the office. She carried a thermos in one hand to keep her mouth well lubricated for giving commands, and a $6,000 purse festooned on her arm so no one forgot their place beneath her. As she reached for the door of her SUV, she heard a rustling sound come from the bed of her husband’s truck. Elise walked over to the truck, placed her thermos and purse on the ground, climbed up to peer over the truck’s tailgate, and saw a disheveled man in the bed, wrapped in a blanket, twitching.

Elise got off the truck and looked around. “He finally did it,” she thought to herself. “He finally went out and killed somebody. Well, he attempted to kill somebody, anyway. He can’t even get murder right. I should wake him up so he can finish cleaning up this mess. I mean, leaving the body just sitting in your truck in the driveway is just careless. Come to think of it, I can’t trust him to finish this properly either. And if I let him help, he’ll just get in my way. Like always, I’ll take care of it myself.”

After calling her office to let them know she was tied up in an important meeting and might not make it in any time soon, Elise dug into her purse and pulled out the garage door opener. She slipped into the garage as the door was rising, and went straight to the ax leaning against the wall next to the shovel. She kicked off her heels and picked up the ax. The weight of it was a bit clumsy in her hands at first, but she quickly got a handle on it. Elise walked back out to the rear of the truck, the ax by her side. Elise stopped and scanned her surroundings. Her neighborhood usually didn’t start their day as early as she did, and lucky for her, this day was no different, but she still couldn’t help but think, “Lazy bastards.”

Elise slid the ax into the truck’s bed and climbed in herself. While maneuvering herself in the bed, she stepped on the body, and it groaned, “Uh! What’s goin’ on?”

Elise lifted the ax and thought to herself, “First things first,” and brought it down several times on the neck of the body to separate the head. “Good. He won’t be rattling around anymore,” Elise thought to herself. She placed the ax in the bed and climbed out. Elise entered her house through the garage, went to the bathroom, and inspected herself in the mirror. She was surprised not to see any blood on her hands, but a few spots had landed on her blouse. Despite it already being ruined, Elise inspected her blouse more closely and thought, “Shit.”

Elise removed her clothes and stuffed them in a garbage bag. She went into her laundry room and put on a pair of black leggings, a black shirt, a black jacket, and a black hat that she had worn while running the night before. She grabbed some spare sheets, a box of latex gloves, and the garbage bag with her clothes. As Elise opened the house door to the garage, she saw a police officer casually walking up her driveway.

“Excuse me, ma’am,” said the police officer, waving to Elise.

Elise slipped everything she was carrying back into the house and shut the door behind her. “Hi there,” said Elise cheerfully. “How may I help you?”

Elise met the police officer at the garage entrance, and he said, “I got a call about a homeless man wandering around the neighborhood. A few doors down, your neighbor, Mr. Morgan, found a guy sleeping in his kid’s backyard tent and chased him off. Hopefully, he left the neighborhood, but I’m just doing a check to make sure he’s not hiding out somewhere.”

“I admire your thoroughness and dedication to keeping this neighborhood safe,” said Elise with a smile. “Though I can guarantee you he’s not hiding around here. He probably left the neighborhood, just like you said.”

“Yeah, you're probably right,” said the police officer, “but I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t check.” He turned and started walking back down the driveway, Elise watching him like a hawk. When the police officer was passing Elise’s husband’s truck, his attention began to drift towards the bed.

“Excuse me,” shouted Elise, walking swiftly up to the police officer.

“Yes?” he replied, turning around to look at her flying towards him.

Once Elise reached the police officer, she said, “What’s your name?”

“I’m Officer Michael Brown,” said the police officer in a very official manner.

“Well, Officer Brown,” said Elise, “do you have a card just in case I see anything?”

“Of course, ma’am,” said Officer Brown, and he pulled one out of his pocket and handed it to her. “I should have been the one to think of that. You just threw me off a bit. Forgive me if I’m out of line here, but you’re a very attractive woman.”

“I’m sure my husband would agree,” Elise replied, coldly. She glanced at the card in her hand, up at Officer Brown, and over to the street. She said, “If I see anything, I’ll give you a call. Have a good day, officer.”

Officer Brown looked to the street, back at Elise, and said, “Ma’am,” before walking off to the next house.

Elise drove away from her house in her husband’s truck, with the body in the bed, covered by the bed sheet. She stopped by a gas station and picked up a couple of cans of gas, then went to another gas station to do the same, all of which she paid for in cash. Elise drove into the woods, chopped the body up into five pieces, dug a hole for each piece, and burned each piece in its hole before burying it. Elise had a separate hole where she burned and buried the man’s possessions and her bed sheets, and yet another for her blood-stained business attire. She drove back home, dumping the ax in a river along the way, and taking the truck through a local car wash. With a sense of satisfaction, Elise pulled into her driveway, but that satisfaction was quickly replaced by dread when she saw Officer Brown standing there with her husband, Jeff.

“Where were you?” said Jeff. “I tried calling you, but you left your phone here.”

“Oh,” replied Elise. “I was looking for that. Where did I leave it?”

“On the shelf in the garage,” said Jeff. “You know, if something was wrong with your car, you could’ve just woken me up to help, or at least let me know you were taking my truck.”

“I’m sorry about that,” said Elise. “I was just in such a rush, and you were sleeping so soundly. Anyway, I’m off to take a shower.”

Elise walked past Jeff and Officer Brown on her way towards the open garage, but froze when Jeff asked, “But where were you?” Elise turned around to look at him, forcing a slight but pleasant smile onto her face. “I thought you had gone to work,” said Jeff. He looked her up and down and continued, “But obviously you were doing something else. Is everything all right?”

“Everything’s fine,” said Elise. She motioned towards Officer Brown and said, “I see the officer is back.” Looking at Officer Brown, she said, “Is everything all right around here?”

“It seems to be, ma’am,” said Officer Brown.

“Yet you’re at my home once again,” said Elise.

“I wouldn’t be doing my job if I wasn’t thorough,” said Officer Brown. “I saw your husband out here, looking around like something was wrong, and we struck up a conversation.”

“I’m sure you and my husband found plenty to agree on,” said Elise.

Officer Brown looked to Jeff and said, “Well, I really should be on my way.”

“Well, it was good chatting with you, Mike,” said Jeff, extending his hand for a shake.

“Yeah. Maybe I’ll see you around,” said Officer Brown, shaking Jeff’s hand. Officer Brown looked at Elise and nodded, “Ma’am,” before walking away.

As soon as Officer Brown disappeared from view, the smile vanished from Elise’s face. She turned to Jeff and said coldly, “We need to talk.”

“About what?” said Jeff, a bit confused.

“Not here,” replied Elise. “Come inside.”

Once they stepped into their kitchen, Jeff asked, “What’s going on? Why didn’t you go to work today? Did something happen?”

“Did something happen?” said Elise, like she was scolding a child. “Did something happen? Why yes, Jeff, something did happen. That homeless man that your buddy Officer Brown was looking for, well, he was in the bed of your truck. I thought you had killed him and were too lazy to dispose of the body. Can you believe that? I thought you had the balls to take a life, for no other reason than just because you could. Anyway, I disposed of the thing. It took some doing, but I must say I did a pretty good job. That cop was standing right next to the body earlier and didn’t suspect a thing.”

Jeff began to laugh and said, “You and this fantasy again. You need to really think about cutting back on all those true crime shows.” He took off his shirt, letting it fall to the floor, walked over to Elise, and started kissing her. He said between his kisses, “Seriously, can you come up with a new scenario soon. This is the third murder one you’ve thought of this month. Be a little more creative, baby. Do it for me.”

Elise removed her hat, jacket, and shirt. She kissed Jeff passionately, took his face into her hands, and said, “I’d do anything for you… Anything.”